Counterfeit Note
1) Fake money. This is a piece of paper that hasn't been blessed by
the treasury wizards. It is instead an attempt by someone to create
money. Counterfeit money is considered to be worthless because it isn't
backed by the government, but an actual study of what's backing our money
reveals that this distinction is not as great as many would think  (see FRN). In fact, the value of a counterfeit note depends
on how readily the public believes it is "real." A very convincing
replica of a $20 note will probably be accepted as being worth $20 by most
people. 2) A term used by many people when describing the Series 1996
$20, $50 and $100 notes.
FRBN
"Federal Reserve Bank Note." The name often leads one to believe that
these things are FRNs, but they aren't. These are monetary
kludges of byzantine status, more or less
National Currency that's been issued by a Federal Reserve Bank.
Unlike FRNs, these notes were backed by actual
securities held on deposit by the issuing Federal Reserve Bank. How this
substantively differs from an FRN is an entirely moot
point. The last issue of FRBNs were printed on Series of 1929 National
Currency notes. This was a last minute effort to get some money into
circulation (and fast) during the great depression. Many of these have
spots on them where existing printing (not appropriate for a FRBN) was
inked over in the third printing process. This is perhaps the first issue
of US currency that looked like it was fake.
FRN
"Federal Reserve Note." Popularly believed to be worthless bits of
paper issued by a cabal of secret organizations including (but not limited
to): Church of the Subgenius, CIA, Federal Reserve Board, FEMA, Freemasons, Illuminati, Knights
Templar, Microsoft, NRO, NSA, Tom Clancy, Trilateral Commission, and ZOG. In
reality, this is the only form of paper currency in circulation in the
USA. Its value is determined (depending on your belief system) by the
amount printed each year, the whims of currency traders, the whims of Alan
Greenspan, the whims of the American public, or the whims of any of those
secret agencies listed above. Drinking establishments where these are
accepted are generally known as "FRN bars." While FRNs are not
technically redeemable for gold (see Gold Certificate) or silver (see Silver Certificate), any fool with a spare set of neurons
to rub together can figure out that they are indeed redeemable for any
damned metal you like.
Federal Reserve System
This is the organization that is responsible for putting all our currency into
circulation. It came in to being in 1913. No one knows who these people are,
what they do, or who's really in charge. Fortunately, there are no shortage of
people with explanations, all of which sound completely implausible. What we do know
about them is that they are in charge of providing the government with plausible
deniability when people start asking who's been circulating all this money that isn't
backed by anything. The government prints the money and gives it to the Federal
Reserve Banking system who in turn regulate the amount of it that's in circulation.
There are twelve Federal Reserve Banks. See FRN for a list of
those agencies who are thought to be pulling the strings.
 Greenback
1) An environmentalist who entered this country illegally. 2) A
nickname for US currency, originally coined with the first issue of US Notes, aka "Legal Tender." This is confused by the fact that the "back"
of US paper money is actually printed first, meaning that technically, the
back is the front, or that the front is the back. The name "Greenback"
persists largely because no one cares about such minutiae, and "Green
Front" actually refers to a crypto-environmentalist organization.
 Gold
A shiny yellow colored ore formerly used as a medium of currency.
Many younger people may have a hard time believing this, but yes, gold
actually held value before it was relegated to being a credit card color.
Reserves of gold are commonly believed to provide the basis for the value
of FRNs, but any
such relationship was dissolved decades ago. Its value is determined
(depending on your belief system) by the amount mined each year, the whims
of commodity traders, the whims of Alan Greenspan, the whims of the world
public, the whims of the mining industry, the whims of the Wicked Witch of
the East, or the whims of any of those secret agencies listed above in the
definition for "FRN."
 Gold
Certificate
US paper currency that prior to 1934 was redeemable in gold. Some gold certificates bore
reverses printed in orange, rather than green, although the term "Orange
Back" never seemed to have caught on. In December 1933, some bright boys
in the government decided that owning Gold Certificates should be
illegal. Ownership of gold certificates was made legal again in 1964,
when it was clear to everyone that US currency was no longer based on this
particular form of rock. Gold Certificates were first issued in 1863,
and last printed in 1934, some months after they were made illegal. This
provides a fascinating insight into how the government works.
Interestingly, those notes printed in 1934 are probably the only currency
issues in US history that were considered contraband from the time they
were printed to the time they were destroyed, assuming they have actually
been destroyed. Some believe that this currency is used by those secret
organizations listed above under "FRN." Most interesting is the Series
1934 $100,000 Gold Certificate, which has never entered circulation
(outside of conspiratorial organizations). It is presumably redeemable
for several years in prison. Its dubious status is reinforced by the fact
that it bears the portrait of Woodrow Wilson.
Large Size Notes
1) A term used by collectors of US currency that does not reflect the
denomination, but rather the size of the note itself. Curiously, "Large
Size Notes" were almost exactly the same size as an old 80-column computer
punch card, except that unlike punched cards, and outside of dog tracks,
"Large Size Notes" generally didn't have one corner cut off. While the
use of the term "Large Size Note" to refer to such things as $1 bills may
be confusing to some, most conspiracy theorists will quickly point out
that all US currency is small in value ("nigh on to worthless," if memory
serves). 2)  A term used by everyone else to refer to currency in
denominations of $500, $1,000, $5,000, $10,000 and $100,000. The
government stopped printing these large denominations long ago, and
continue to remove them from circulation whenever they turn up. This can
be attributed to any of the clandestine organizations listed above (see FRN), Visa, MasterCard, American
Express, Discover Card, the War on Drugs, or the Euro.
 Legal
Tender
1) Any currency or medium representing value, issued or backed by the
government, and accepted in exchange for goods or services. 2) Any
legitimate employee of a FRN bar. 3) An alternate name for a United States Note.
 National
Currency
Given the logic behind all this currency, it stands to reason that
something called "National Currency" would somehow not be national. This
was currency that bore the name of some bank - one of those old
establishments that called itself a "National Bank." Yes, that
designation meant something. The deal worked as follows: The bank would
invest a bunch of its assets in government bonds (yeah, right), and give
them to the government for safe keeping (yeah, right). The government
would in turn print money with that bank's name and charter number on it
and give it to them to do with as they pleased. So, this money was in
effect backed by government securities. Yeah, right. For some reason,
this type of currency ceased to be popular sometime shortly after the
great depression. For some other reason, the small size version of these
notes bore brown colored treasury seals. Make of that what you will.
This form of currency was, of course, a throwback to those halcyon days
when banks used to print and issue their own currency. This later form
just gave us all the added security of governmental oversight.
Note
The term used by currency collectors and conspirists to refer to
money. Kind of like a note from your teacher, a Federal
Reserve Note is a note from the government to no one in particular to
document what sort of mischief the government has been up to. What most
people would call a "Twenty dollar bill" is, in currency jargon, a "twenty
dollar note." This at least has the benefit of not sounding like you owe
someone $20, although in fact, you probably owe the government $40.
Platinum
Okay, the important thing to remember is that Platinum doesn't really
have anything to do with the issue of US currency, excepting for some
tacky souvenir platinum coins that the US mint tries to sell to coin
collectors. Why there has never been a platinum certificate is totally beyond me. I find it to
be a rather romantic notion, and its conspicuous absence from the American
currency scene only makes me want to think that the conspiracy theorists
might be on to something. Of course, like any other pretty metal, FRNs may be redeemed for platinum. All one needs to do is
go to their nearest bullion dealer and say, "Hi. I'd like to redeem these
FRNs for some platinum." Let's all close our eyes and pretend they're
really platinum certificates.
Platinum Certificate
These don't exist. BOO!
Rutabaga Certificate
See FRN.
Silver
A shiny white colored ore formerly used as a medium of currency.
Reserves of silver are commonly believed to have provided Bunky Hunt with
bankruptcy. Silver was formerly the basis for the value of Silver Certificates,
although now, it's largely the domain of spoil-sport commodity speculators
who aren't satisfied with gold.
Its value is determined (depending on your belief system) by the amount
mined each year, the whims of commodity traders, the whims of the world
public, the whims of the mining industry, the whims of the Wicked Witch of
the West, or the whims of any of those secret agencies listed above in the
definition for "FRN".
 Silver Certificate
US paper currency that prior to 1968 was redeemable in either silver coin or silver bullion. The government
began issuing silver certificates in 1878, largely at the behest of a
bunch of spoil-sport commie-wannabes, and they stopped issuing silver
certificates around 1963 when they realized that they shouldn't make
promises they couldn't keep. Redemption of silver certificates ceased
when the government realized that silver was worth more than the money
they made with it.
 Small Size Notes
1) A term used by collectors of US currency that does not reflect the
denomination, but rather the size of the note itself. This size of note
has been issued by the US government since the Series of 1928 USNs, Silver Certificates,
Gold Certificates and
FRNs, and the Series of 1929 National Currency and FRBNs. Most of those hostile to FRNs find this terminology to be
entirely redundant. 2) A term used by just about everyone else to refer
to the buying power of those FRNs currently in
circulation.
 USN
1) The US Navy, the subject of a particularly flaccid song by the
Village People. 2) United States Note, a type of currency in existence
longer than any other form of US Currency. Believed by some to be a
subversive form of currency, worth even less than FRNs, instituted by John F. Kennedy,
but was actually created by congressional mandate in the 19th
century. The belief that this currency was a secret Communist plot
instituted by the Kennedys was reinforced by the fact that in its later
forms, this currency bore serial numbers and treasury seals printed in red
ink. In fact, USNs were some of the first currency issued by the US
government. Their reverses, being printed in green ink, were what led to
the popular term "Greenbacks." Initially issued
in 1862, as a form of government debt (there was a war going, after all),
their continued issuance was ensured by an act of May 3, 1878, that
required that circulation be maintained at $346,681,016. This amount
alone should be proof that the nation would be better served if congress
stopped smoking whatever it was they were smoking.
Value
When speaking of money, a meaningless term.
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