Friends
(and other irritants)
I haven't got any.
No, that's not really true. I've got too many friends.
I don't want any.
Now, yeah, that's it.
After what seemed like a million years of studying psychology, I have had a long-held suspicion confirmed, namely that people are no damned good. People are bad enough, but the real trouble starts when some subset of them decide to run around, calling themselves your friends. That's where people really suck.
As a form of self preservation, I treat people with hostility and disdain. Usually, being a jerk like that is enough to eliminate anyone's desire to be friendly to me. Still, there are some deluded hold-outs who persist in the belief that I have a heart of gold, only visible to those who look hard enough.
I'm sorry, but I'm just not looking to get into any friendships right now. No, strike that, I'm not sorry.
If you think you want to be my friend, you're almost certainly wrong. But, follow the checklist below. If you pass all criteria, then you're lying.
You cannot be my friend if:
Award yourself one point for each item that applies to you:
- You have more than one picture of yourself on display in your home.
- You ever ask "How would that make me look?"
- You own, or have owned, one or more ferrets.
- You are a member of the SCA, Mensa, PETA, Sierra Club or anything having to do with folk music.
- You use any of the terms to describe yourself: Gamer, Goth, Freak, Trekkie (or Trekker), vegetarian (or vegan), alternative, alien, or musician.
- You are interested in any of the following: folk music, role playing games, anime, manga, trading cards, alternative medicine, eastern religions, paganism (other than Sub-G and/or O.T.O.), supernatural or paranormal phenomena, UFOs, contradancing, or folk music.
- You have an alternate form of address, including (but not limited to): "craft name," goth name, SCA name, D&D name, or any title needing to be prefixed with "The."
- You regularly attend any sort of "Con."
- You regularly attend any sort of folk music performances.
- You have more than one physical, medical or emotional "condition" (especially allergies). Diabetics and people with AIDS or diagnosed terminal illnesses are exempt from this restriction.
- You are a staunch conservative.
- You are a staunch liberal.
- You expect me to agree with any of your political views.
- The expression of your political views includes the word "ditto."
- You have any bumper stickers on your car.
- You don't have a car.
- If you use the phrase "I can't help it" to excuse your boneheaded behavior more than once per month.
- You like doing things outside, other than walking to or from the car.
- You're always cold. Additional "you can't be my friend" points awarded if you're too stupid to put on a really warm coat when it really is cold.
- You cannot give a clear and concise direct answer to a direct question in under 30-seconds (my "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" requirement).
- You have poetry you want me to read.
- You have folk music you want me to listen to.
- You have goth music you want me to listen to.
- You have aging 70s band music you want me to listen to (exceptions granted for Jethro Tull fans).
- You have any interest in "professional" wrestling.
- You have ever even remotely considered asking me to attend one of your "gigs."
- 33% or more of the films you've seen in a theater in the last two years have been animated.
- You really believe that you'd be happier if you moved someplace else (although it's clear that I'd be happier if you did).
Scoring:
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