Dr. Curmudgeon's Glossary of Terms
I realize that I tend to use terminology that is more or less unique to
me. I don't expect other people to understand, mainly because it's more
fun that way. Were I some shrink's patient, they'd call these
"neologisms" and use them as part of some negative diagnosis. Since I
have a PhD in Shrinkology, I get to use lots of neologisms, 'cause that's
part of the Psychology biz. I just don't cooperate with the profession,
in that mine aren't meant to be taken seriously.
BAM
Abbreviation for "Big Assed Minivan." In other words, an SUV. Since
most SUVs are purchased for entirely superficial reasons, it really pisses
off their owners to be accused of having bought a Minivan, which is pretty
much what they really did, whether or not they like to admit it.
Cheese Bag
A plastic bag used as a car wastebasket. Originated during NewfieTrek
2K3 when one trash bag contained some particularly vile smelling cheese.
Commie Gun
An AK-47.
Commie Savings Time
Otherwise known as "Daylight Savings Time." A communist plot to steal
an hour of our lives for half a year, without even giving us interest
when it's finally paid back. It also has the pleasant side effect of
(during the summer months) putting people behind the wheels of their
cars when they're least alert, thus ensuring a high accident rate.
One of Ben Franklin's biggest mistakes.
Compubarge
A bloated, over configured, hopelessly mutated full-tower box PC.
Data Buddy
A PDA or similar electronic device that's used to interrupt or disrupt
polite social conversation. Usually excellent at losing important
information due to its flakey 21st century construction.
Data Purse
An old scribble-on-paper style Day Planner. Insufferably yuppie, but
unbeatable when it comes to flexibility. Only downside is that unlike a
Data Buddy, the stylus takes ink.
Data Toilet
An old washing machine sized disk drive, from the bad old days of
computing. Very large, very unreliable and very fun to watch.
Hork
To nasally eject, usually in response to something unexpectedly funny.
ex: "When I told him the punchline, he horked his cola out of both
nostrils."
Horsie
Any Colt manufactured firearm, but usually refers to a Colt manufactured
AR-15.
Moscow Food Emporium
Any New Hampshire supermarket. They all have shitty selection, poor
prices, stale merchandise, and they're usually out of everything anyway.
(You'll note that commie metaphors work big into my lexicon)
Party Pack
Any bulk packaging of some kind of merchandise, especially when used
in a ludicrous context. For instance, if one buys a 20-roll package of
toilet paper, one would say "I just got a party pack of toilet paper."
Poindexter
An RFID tag, or any other electronic device that can be used to
track a person's whereabouts or movements, such as an EZ-Pass tag,
one of those Mobil auto-pay key fobs, an On Star system, or even
modern GPS equipped cell phones. This term was coined by
unbob,
named for the noted felon and former Admiral
Poindexter,
who proposed the "Total
Information Awareness" program to build
databases of what everyone in the country are doing.
Pood
A senior citizen; mainly used to express annoyance.
Poodcycle/Poodivator
One of those motorized chairs (not to be confused with a motorized
wheelchair).
Poodmobile
A land yacht of a car. Something like a Chrysler Imperial or Cadillac
Sedan deVille.
PRM
The People's Republic of Massachusetts. No explanation necessary if
you move from somewhere out west (not including California) to the
New England area.
Schleptop
Any so-called "notebook" or laptop computer that weighs more than five
pounds in any useful configuration. With thanks to Liz for this
definition.
Schmoomobile, Schmootivator
Any pissant small car. Obnoxious grille-splats like Geo Metros or
Minis.
Tappy-Thing
A Palm PDA, Pocket PC or any other sort of data
buddy requiring the incessant use of a stylus.
Tuna Block
The logjam that happens when you get one person in each lane driving
slowly, side by side, thus preventing anyone from getting anywhere. Also
applies when any small subset of traffic succeeds in slowing or stopping
nearly everyone. Etimology: too complicated to 'splain. See The Guy in Front for examples.
Turnip
Any overly enthusiastic, chipper, or happy person, particularly when
they act this way before 7:00 AM (see Commie Savings Time). ex: "Get the
fuck out of my office, Turnip Boy, I'm trying to sleep here."
Wankmobile
Euro-cars that tend to be driven by insufferable yuppies. Saab and
BMW are the two best examples of this genre.
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